Catching Up With : Craig Kilborn

What do you think Craig Kilborn is doing right now? Quick. Don"t even think. Just answer.


I will give you a few seconds...


Okay, so what did you come up with? Reenacting his 4-5 scenes from "Old School" with neighborhood children? Spending 3 hours a day staring at himself in the mirror with a satisfied grin? Masturbating to a July 1994 episode of "SportsCenter?"


Well, if you guessed any of the above, you are wrong. Assholes. He is currently wintering in Puget Sound, Washington. So...yeah.

Smug Off : Costas vs. Michaels

The "BASEketballs" co-stars are headlining NBC's Winter Olympics coverage. But how do they fare in a head-to-head Smug Off? Well, get ready sports fans, for a couple steaming loads of smug:

Dyed:

Bob Costas - His hair. Color: Jet black

Al Michaels - His skin. Color: Orange leather

Famous Call:

Bob Costas - "Jordan. Open. Chicago with the lead!" Game 6, 1998 NBA Finals. Michael Jordan's 6th NBA Title, and the exact last moment Chicago sports were relevant for a positive reason. You don't count, other Adrian Peterson.

Al Michaels - "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!" Of course. As we all know this call came at the end of the 1996 U.S Olympic Women's Basketball team's 108-93 Quarterfinal's victory versus Japan.

Rants Against:

Bob Costas - Steroids, Facts and Truth (i.e. "Stats are for nerds, nerd boy."), NFL's Overtime

Policy, Modern athletes (minorities), The lack of Mickey Mantleness in today's games.

Al Michaels - Sports, Enjoyment of Sports, Non-Brett Favres

Sports Boner Source:

Bob Costas - Mickey Mantle. #7. The Mick. Mr. Purist can't seem to get enough of this alcoholic, wife cheatin', amphetamine poppin'e, country golden boy.

Al Michaels - Nothing. Flacid. Totally flacid. Orange, leathery, and flacid. Has not enjoyed a non-Brett Favre sporting event in 20 years. A last minute TD to win the Super Bowl? "Let's keep our voices down, cretins, Al Michaels is breaking out his signature classy restraint."

Greatest Pop Culture Appearance:

Bob Costas - "News Radio." Season 3. Episode 5. "Awards Show." No jokes. It's pretty fucking awesome. Kudos, Mr. Costas.

Al Michaels - Not being one of the broadcasters in "The Naked Gun : From the Files of Police Squad." Seriously, Dick Vitale and Tim McCarver weaseled their way in to one of the funniest movies of all time, and you couldn't? That does not bode well.

"BASEketballs" Appearance Leads You to Believe:

Bob Costas - Has nipples he'd like you to feel. Arrogant, self-righteous nipples.

Al Michaels - Was molested as a boy by his father. But that's nothing to get excited about! Let's keep the noise to a minimum people!

Thinks He Should Be Commissioner Of:

Bob Costas - Baseball. An aging white man holding on to decades of tradition? That doesn't exist in the MLB I know, buddy.

Al Michaels - The Republic of JeansSportsCoatDressShirtUnbuttonedVille. He's got my vote.

How I Degrade Their Multiple Emmy Wins:

Bob Costas - So? Joe Morgan has like four.

Al Michaels - So? Kiefer Sutherland has one.

Oh, look at you, you got smug all over you...ahem...anways...and the Smug Off champion is? You decide! (cop out) Let's hear your reasons, America.

The Hector Elizondo Name Game!

The most commonly occurring letters in Hector Elizondo's name (first and last name included)...



Hector Elizondo:

1. O - 3

2. E - 2

T-3. H - 1

C - 1

T - 1

R - 1

L - 1

I - 1

Z - 1

N - 1

D - 1

Happy Precedent's Day!

You may be asking yourself, "Why is there a federal holiday celebrating an act or instance that may be used as an example when dealing with subsequent similar instances?" To you people I say, "Go back to Bard College, pinkos!" Here in real America we celebrate, honor, and respect our Precedent's. Put down the huka, pick up some responsibility, and maybe then you'll understand. Enjoy the day.

A general observation...

I learn something new every 72-96 hours, and this morning I learned that driving home towards the Worcester 'Burbs on the MassPike at 8:30am is not nearly as invigorating or satisfying as driving to Houston to get Aerosmith tickets.

Not quite my top priority of the summer.

4 Awful Jokes About Ellen Page's Cisco Systems Commercials

1. Ju-no way you can beat this video, cable, and content delivery, homeslice.

2. Siz-ell me on that sistema humano, homeskillet.

3. You know who I want to inform me about advanced IOS and NX-OS software? The lead from "Whip It"

4. Metaphorically speaking, Universal Gateways are like the Mac to my Cheese(or Access Servers).


There you have it. Now top it. Let's hear your worst.

Valentine's Day! Fun, I'd like a seat upfront, please!

"Valentine's Day"...A love story. More or less.

Lots of famous people? Check. Super cool pop music? You know it. A story about the pressures of Valentine's Day that exists only in movie and tv? Hells yeah. Forced interracial sodomy? Possibly. The final film appearance for Burt Lancaster, 15 years after his death? Maybe. Cameos from the surviving members of the 1969 American League Western Division Champion Minnesota Twins? You didn't hear from us.

Yes, it's "Valentine's Day," the new film from Academy Award viewing director Garry Marshall. A movie so whimsically banal, you'd swear Kevin Connolly was featured.

If you loved "He's Just Not That Into You," like seriously, not joking, found yourself enjoying that movie, then you'll go crazy for "Valentine's Day." It's the story of famous people doing whacky things together (Oh my god! Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper know each other!). Unlike other so-called "romantic comedies", you will find women giving profoundly insightful speeches about the trials and tribulations of finding love. Men will speculate about what women really want while doing manly things like moving furniture, watching the big game, and drinking beer. Kooky, wisecracking best friends will have will have bizarre theories about relationships. Hector Elizondo will show his legendary dong.

So, this Valentine's Day, why not make it "Valentine's Day." It's "Valentine's Day!" Starring:

Jessica Alba
Kathy Bates
Jessica Biel
Bradley Cooper
Eric Dane
Patrick Dempsey
Hector Elizondo
Jamie Foxx
Jennifer Garner
Topher Grace
Anne Hathaway
Carter Jenkins
Ashton Kutcher
Queen Latifah
Taylor Lautner
George Lopez
Shirley MacLaine
Emma Roberts
Julia Roberts
Taylor Swift

And featuring...
Susan Saint James
Craig Ferguson
Jon Cryer
Betty White
Marv Alberts
Andy Samberg
Calista Flockhart
Kevin Connolly (there he is!)
Maya Rudolph
January Jones
Bradley Whitford
Alison Janney
Rick Fox
Eva Amurri
Daryl "Chill" Mitchell
Mos Def
Tim McCarver
Leah Remini
Paula Pondstone
Steven Wright
Michelle Trachtenberg
Rosie O' Donnell
Julia Stiles
Rob Riggle
Donald Faison
Sandra Oh
Scott Caan
Randy Quaid
Philip Baker Hall
Maura Tierney
Marshall Faulk
Gilda Radner (RIP)
Richard Lewis
Dennis Wilson (RIP)
Fred Thompson
Vernon Maxwell
John Jaha
Brittany Murphy (RIP)
Tim Meadows
Robert Loggia
Angie Harmon
Tim Blake Nelson
Soleil Moon Frye
Henry Winkler
Charlton Heston (RIP)
Allen Covert
1997 Chicago Bulls Cheerleaders
Michael Doleac
Wayne Knight
French Stewart
John Lithgow
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Jane Curtin
Tim Daly
Jerome Bettis
Bryce Dallas Howard
Rainn Wilson
Josh Radnor
Ellen Clegghorne
"Pistol" Pete Marovich (RIP)
Michael Keaton
Louis Anderson
Eliza Dushku
...and a very special appearance from Bob Costas

It's "Valentine's Day!" Opening February 12.

Rejected Sports Team Names Promotional Events

A sampling...

• Texas Rangers - Free admission to weekday afternoon game for any child 10 and under who brings a VHS copy of CBS's short lived crime drama, "Larry Walker, Texas Ranger."
• Florida Marlins - Drink Like A Fish Night! In the 2nd inning, ladies drink free (domestic bottled water)! (after minimum $20 bottled water purchase per customer)
• Cleveland Cavaliers - Cavalier Night! Anyone acting haughty and aloof will receive 1/3 discount on Mo Williams 2009 NBA All-Star Replacement jersey.
• Dallas Stars - You Wanna Be a Star, Don't You? Night. $10 admission after second period for anyone willing to spend 5 minutes in a windowless room with Stars Forward Fabian Brunnstrom. 5 minutes for high sticking? Ooh, yes please.
• San Francisco Giants - Visanthe Shiancoe Appreciation Night. You're welcome, ladies. This promotion is 21+ after the 7th Inning Stretch. Trust us.
• Atlanta Braves - Be a Brave Night! Free large soft drink (diet only) to any woman Brave enough to spend a night drinking with Bobby Cox.
• Charlotte Bobcats - Listen to a Bobcat Night! Comedian Bobcat Goldthwait will handle the game's PA duties. The last 10 fans not to flinch or jump when Mr. Goldthwait comes over the sound system will receive an autographed copy of "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol." (fans must provide a copy of "Police Academy 4" Mr. Goldthwait will not sign copies of Police Academy 2. Please, for the safety of all parties involved, do not make this request.)
• Dallas Mavericks - Buy "Maverick" Night! The last 3,000 fans to enter will be forced to purchase a $20 laser disc edition of "Maverick," the 1994 Mel Gibson/James Garner classic. Also available for forced purchase: "Lethal Weapon 4."

These are just a few. Any favorites I might have missed?

My 8 Favorite Movies That Were Inspired by "My Blue Heaven"

(in order. from most use of Thomas Haden Church to least)

• Spiderman 3 - A man struggling with super powers battles two villians, also with super powers, while trying to win back the girlfriend he alienated. How is this any different than My Blue Heaven? Not my favorite. A little too light on the Moranis. Still solid.
• Children of Men - Basically, My Blue Heaven set in a post-apocalytpic world
• Spice World - Of all the films on this list, this one comes closest to honoring God's original commandment, "Girl power"
• Blue Brothers 2000 - One of the many films released in 1998.
• Fahrenheit 9/11 - Not as overly political as My Blue Heaven, but still solid.
• GoodFellas - Whimisical and inspirational! A laugh a minute! 146 laughs in 146 minutes. Do the math. It checks out.
• Kill Bill, Vol. 2 - Tarantino did little to mimic The Moranis's recipe for success, so this film makes the list for doing a credible job of bringing My Blue Heaven's co-star Joan Cusack's life story to the screen.

There you have it. I could have included 8 more, but I wanted to allow you, the reader, to come up with your own. Film historians often point to 1989 as the "Year of the Blue Heaven." Do you passionately agree? Or do you just agree? Let's hear it, America, what do you think?